


Okay.

by talea



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (Inspired by Real Events), (more about how alex beats it), (not that much though), Alex cuts his hair, Alex needs a hug, Alex/Eliza Friendship, Anxiety, Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, Fights, Light Trigger Warning, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Nonbinary Marquis de Lafayette, Online Friendship, So I need a hug, Texting, Trans Alex, Writer's Block, jamilton friendship (kinda)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 08:05:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9114307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talea/pseuds/talea
Summary: If I look at youI feel like I'm going to burstBecause I never know what to say firstAnd there are so many things I want to say, too-Alexander Hamilton is not a person for luck.He has to work for it.For everything.-About him and Aaron Burr.-About him and Angelica and how they parted.-About him and Eliza and how it brought them together.-About him and Thomas Jefferson and how they got along.-About his relationship with John Laurens and how it was invincible and devastating.-About him and his anxiety and how he beat it in the end.aka me trying to process what happened.





	

**Author's Note:**

> It's 4 am!  
> I didn't sleep!  
> And I needed to write. This is what came out. I'm sorry for all mistakes, I'm tired and my k is broken so I have to literally punch it.  
> Everyone in here exists and most of all Eliza, Thomas, Laf, you're the best, I wouldn't be so far without you, thank you for being in my life.
> 
> * I googled all of it, please correct me if it's wrong, cuz I'm not a native speaer (do you see this thing wth)  
> fâcheux = embarrassing (french)  
> uppity = snobby (southern slang)

"We need to talk alone, sorry!"

Laurens grabbed Lafayette's arm and pulled them away from Alexander, who looked after them. John had behaved strangely the whole day and Laf seemed to know what's going on, they just didn't tell Alex. So now he was waiting until the bell announced the end of the break and his friends joined him for the next lesson.

When the teacher began to talk to the class, he softly tugged on Laf's sleeve and as they turned around to him he asked quietly: "So what's up with John?" The smile on their face was amused as they told him that he should ask Laurens himself.

The late fall weather was wet but not cold and so they spend their lunch break outside. He noticed that Laurens tensed up next to him and shot him an encouraging glance. "Okay." He took a deep breath. "Can we talk?" Lafayette joined them uninvited, but they would know about the dialogue sooner or later, so Alex didn't really care. As Laurens only got more flustered and didn't start to talk, Laf laid a hand on his shoulder. "Just tell him, it won't be as fâcheux* as you think!"

"Yeah, I think I know what it's about anyways." Another deep breath from John, another smile from Alex. "So I really like you. And I thought we could try like...a relationship? God, I'm so nervous." Alex smile grew wider. "Yes. Totally yes." And Laurens' eyes went big and they hugged and everything seemed to be okay. As they parted again, Lafayette seemed even happier than the both of them combined.

"I tried to drop some hints." John shrugged and grinned. "Wouldn't have noticed that!" Alex laughed. "You were pretty obvious."

They had been friends for years now. Laurens had always been like a crush for Alex but had never been in reach so he tried to not think about it too much. Lately, John started to flirt with Alex, even more than he usually did. It started with Laurens trying all kinds of pick-up lines on Alex, who replied in the same seductive way. Then they started to dance together, long slow danced. Alex, who had a far better feeling for rhythm led and John tried to follow as best as possible. In the end, they held hands under blankets, shared unseen smiles and it was very obvious what would be the outcome of this.

-

Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton went together as quick as they broke up again. Their relationship was short and intense. But it was also stressing and ended in a big fight about jealousy. Burr was very possessive and so was Hamilton. At least he had the self-control to keep calm when Burr started to constantly talk about his ex-girlfriend. But then, one day, when Alex comforted Lafayette who was close to crying over a bad mark. Most of the other hadn't been better at all, but Laf was emotional, a good and wonderful attribute about them, and simply needed the comfort.The both of them had been like siblings all along, the Washingtons, Alex' foster parents, had agreed on hosting Lafayette while they were in America, which was pretty much the whole year.

Still, Burr seemed to think otherwise. He kept poking at them and finally Alex snapped, telling Aaron to stay the fuck away from his friends. Later that day, he received a long text from Burr, telling him what a bad boyfriend he had been, how he should be Laf's boyfriend then and that he was breaking up with Alex. He felt like falling. His head nearly hurt from all the thoughts and feelings and it all came together as uncontrolled rage in the end. In anger, Alex wrote an even longer text back, responding to every point Aaron had criticized, taking every word he used apart, defending himself and his actions so furious but after it, he just felt empty and wanted to cry badly.

He felt how his breaths became unsteady and his chest tightened. He took screenshots of it and wanted to share them with Laf, who could blight his panic easily, but accidentally hit the wrong chat and before he could stop them, they were sent to Thomas Jefferson. A few seconds later, he got a reply.

 **[From virginial asshole]** (it's funny right? not. pf. leave me alone, its 4 am.)

_asshole._

It took Alex a moment to process the word, then he typed again.

**[To virginial asshole]**

_This wasn't for you, actually._

**[From virginial asshole]**

_who does he think he is?_

_i thought better of burr_

_dont you dare and try to get back together with that uppity* jerk_

Followed by a voice mail, containing Jefferson ranting about Alex' ex and (even though it was Jefferson) Alex felt strangely happy that someone seemed to share his feelings. His panic was not gone, it was hidden under thick layers of hatred. He was so incredibly angry that night. When Burr came up with another message, he fired back his response. His words should destroy, they were made to hurt.

In the next morning, he awoke with a bitter taste in his mouth and dried tears on his cheeks, but it all felt better. Thomas texted him once more, made sure he was okay and it was odd but not bad, though. Perhaps the both of them could even be friends if they wouldn't be at each other's throats most of the time.

At the last day of school before the summer break, Alexander got a text from Burr, who was apologizing and practically begging of a friendship between the two of them, because he missed Alexander so much. He was feeling his heart falling at the words. Torn between the anger which still bloomed inside of him when he thought about it and how much he missed the talks with Burr, he simply told him that it all needed time and distance now. He didn't regret his choice. They managed to rebuild their friendship.

-

After Alexander and John became a couple they didn't come out to everyone and so only Laf knew for sure, but most of their other friends noticed it rather quickly. The two of them were so different from each other but that was the aspect that made them such an invincible team.

They spend the night of Alexander's birthday together and it was still one of his favorite memories. An hour before midnight they went on a walk through the cold and rather empty streets. It was cold outside and so was Alex. John wasn't. As Alex began to complain about his freezing fingers John simply said: "mine aren't" and took Alex' hand in his. They fitted perfectly and Alex squeezed softly. John squeezed back and he could feel his heart jumping. When the next day began, they hugged for some long moments and Alex could still feel the smile when he fell asleep that night.

\- They celebrated his birthday with sushi and he invited Thomas as well. He actually prepared himself for the worst but it went without arguments and four-hour debates, which was surprising but still not bad.-

But also, they were devastating. Like two natural disasters in one room, at once. When they collided they left nothing but destruction and pain and loss and helplessness, in an earlier fight Alex already understood that pretty well.

 

 Alexander wanted other people to care as much as he did. When he saw something he considered as wrong, he tried everything to correct it in every way. He could read most people like the books on his shelf and sometimes it didn't get through to him, that it wasn't the same for others, or that they simply didn't care as much as he did. Even though John could speak up for himself and his ideals, he and Alex had a lack of communication in so many ways and it never ended on a good note.

John was still a very open flirter and still used his pick-up lines on everything and everyone. His hand was on Herc's ass sometimes or he would roll around on the floor with Lafayette in his arms and Alex didn't like it at all. He was possessive, probably way too much, but he felt betrayed and cheated on and he knew he shouldn't. But the straw to break the camel's back* was, as Aaron Burr tried to hit on Laurens in the exact same way he did with Alex.

 

Alexander Hamilton was angry. Very angry. "Mon ami, what's wrong?", Laf finally asked. "Burr trying to hit on John, who _goes with it_."He heard their sigh and after a whole week of Alex constantly ignoring John, he eventually got a reaction.

Alex knew that he was acting ridiculous and immature. He could go and tell John Laurens what's wrong and get an apology and they would work it out. So he stood up and looked for John, who was (unsurprisingly) with Aaron. And he looked happier than he ever had in Alex presence. His stomach twisted and he felt like throwing. So, in the end, he didn't talk to him. It all led to John ignoring him, too. And it wasn't what Alexander wanted to happen.

After all, they had a talk and Laurens told him that their relationship seemed very _uptight_ and he couldn't continue like that, although he liked Alexander as a friend and didn't want to loose him. The world was quiet for a long moment when he looked at John and then softly told him the reason for his behavior, the voices inside of his head began to raise over the silence again, yelling at him, screaming in the pain Alexander didn't feel, as John started babbling: "Oh god, I'm so sorry" and "I'm such an asshole". But Alex shook his head, still very calm and choked out. "It's not your fault, I just can't have a relationship when I'm frightened they might be cheating on me every time I turn around."

When John left, he felt his breath failing and felt the panic rise. He tried to take deep breaths but there was something that made it so hard and he felt tears rise. He bit his lips. Still, four hours he had to spend at school and he wouldn't cry. He began to count out loud and focussed on his breathing and finally calmed down. 

 

Through friends of friends from friends, he got to know the Schuyler Sisters. With at least 100 kilometers between them, their communication mostly happened via texts and skype and he had a very close friendship, first to Angelica, then she introduced him to Eliza. Distance didn't make it easy all the time, but he had met Angelica a few times already. She drove to him in every break of her school and whenever she had the money. They got along so well that it couldn't be true. Even when he kinda blurted out his love for her they managed to work it out and stayed friends.

But everywhere Eliza was trusting and was kind, her sister was difficult. Alex asked for her help often. Too often, he realized later. It all came in a big storm again. They argued like they did so often lately, out of nothing. It had only been a matter of time, but right now it was the worst moment to happen.

"You always complain about everything and then suddenly it's my fault?", she said.

 _Of course not, never yours_ , he thought.

"You have to understand that I have my own life!", she said.

 _I know best. All the time you tell me about the wonderful people you've met and all the time I'm sure they'll be better friends that I am_ , he thought.

"I'm done with being your punching back, whenever something is wrong in your life and I want to help you but can't when you're like this!", she said.

 _I never wanted you to be and why haven't you left, I'm so scared please don't leave_ , he thought.

"I'm sorry.", he said. 

 

"You're better off without me, Alexander." After hours and hours of discussion, they were still at the same point.

"But I don't want to leave, you can't just slip out of it again, we were fine before, we need to _work it out_."

"I'll keep hurting you and you deserve better.", she repeated.

He didn't reply anymore.

 

He couldn't write anymore. For months and months, he had a writer's block, he couldn't write anymore and it drove him crazy. The essays for school were no problem, but everything away from it didn't come out yet and his mind would burst, he was sure about it. He needed to do _something_.

One evening he sneaked into the living room. Martha looked up from her magazine as he raised his voice. "What would you say if I want you to cut my hair. _Very_ short."She was surprised and couldn't hide the horror in her eyes but stilled she grabbed a hair clipper and cut all his hair off. She asked him for reasons. He shrugged.

Alexander looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was barely a centimeter long and he let his hand travel over it. As he turned away he smiled, just smiled and wrote two night in a row afterward.

 

He and Eliza didn't completely loose their contact, but their conversations were short and light. After his break up with John and the fight with Angelica, he texted her more again. He didn't know if her sister told her what happened but it felt like lying if she wouldn't know and as he finally told her, she tried everything to get the situation right and in all details so she wouldn't judge wrong and he was so thankful. She asked if she should talk to her sister again, but he declined. Maybe they needed time to get over it, the wounds were too fresh to be opened up again.

She understood.

He wanted others to care as much as he did.

And Eliza? She _cared_.

They talked about lighter stuff after that, too. Everything that came to his mind, he shared with her and she took it all in, shared the same amount of things with him and he realized too late, that he gave himself away again.

Whenever he trusted someone so much he always got disappointed. He could never be satisfied because he always aimed for something out of his reach and he would hurt himself all over again. But again, this was Eliza who was so trusting, so kind and he couldn't help but just returning the trust. Hoping that he wouldn't break it.

 

Christmas came closer with every day and heavy, cold steps. Alexander was not a great baker, but he wanted to do something himself as Christmas gifts for his friends. He asked Martha about it who gladly helped him with baking cookies and wrapping them up.

He had been chosen to hold a speech on the last day before their winter break and he took the challenge with pleasure. He prepared something for nearly everyone who was close to him and the last day was wonderful, Martha even decided to come and listen to his speech. His hand was shaken by some important men, all of them remembered his name and thanked _him_ , and he felt so honored, even more, when he saw Martha, who seemed prouder than Alexander himself.

Lafayette spent their break in France but promised to call as often as possible and hugged Alex at the airport, then hugged Martha and George, turned around and walked ten meters away, then turned on their heels again, came back and hugged Alex, who felt his heart melting, once more.

He also had something prepared for the Eliza and Angelica. The second one never found it's way outside of his room, but from Eliza he received a _THANKS <3_ and it made everything just better.

 

One day after Christmas, John texted him. Things between them worked out, although Alex missed him and it didn't get better because they began to flirt constantly again.

**[From: Freckles]**

_Wanna go 2 the movies 2morrow?_

 

He smiled and accepted the invitation. Later on the evening he typed a text and took all his courage together as he sent it.

**[To: Freckles]**

_So could we turn tomorrow into a date? And I actually wanted to give it time first and everything, but I'm missing you and it would be good to sort things out once more, because it was our both's mistake and we could do a better job with communication this time, I would really like to try and do better. Only if it's okay, I mean I can barely force you into it. (If yes, you'll get my sappy talk I prepared for days, so think twice :^])_

After John didn't reply he sent something again and nearly started to apologize, when the other one replied:

**[From: Freckles]**

_No, it's okay, I just needed a bit time to progress things. But yeah sure, I think we can try it_

A big, goofy smile settled on his face and the sappy talk turned into a poem, full of feelings and as he showed it to Eliza, she returned with a lot of 'aww's and 'gawd's and when Alex told her about his insecurities, she simply said:

_THIS IS SO CUTE WHY WOULD ANYONE HATE YOU FOR THAT?_

And he smiled and it seemed okay. She wished him good luck and everything seemed too okay. 

 

When they met downtown, John came off his bus and Alex went for a hug because this was a date and they hugged anyways. John didn't hug back. It was weird.

They walked through the city, their talking was easy and light. Alexander already felt excited when he thought about presenting the poem. It was a good way of exciting. They started to look for bookstores and tried to find books on very specific topics in each (no one of them had any, sadly).

They laughed and talked through the movie they watched, giving their commentary and after that criticized the movie in smaller parts.

When they got out, Alex prepared for his presentation but then suddenly they were in a hurry because John needed to catch a bus and they walked fast and there were so many people and suddenly Alex didn't feel safe with reading the poem out loud, so he handed it to John so he could read it. He felt the excitement rising when he saw the eyes traveling over the paper, he knew the verses by heart already.

 

> **_If I look at you_ **
> 
> **_I feel like I'm going to burst_ **
> 
> **_Because I never know what to say first_ **
> 
> **_And there are so many things I want to say, too_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_You're not like anything_ **
> 
> **_I ever laid my eyes on or dreamt about_ **
> 
> **_And I thought I never might say that out loud_ **
> 
> **_But all of you got me thinking and erasing and creating_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_Your freckles are like constellations_ **
> 
> **_Like stars which didn't find their place_ **
> 
> **_All of them did pace and pace and pace_ **
> 
> **_And the more I try not to, the more I think about all my investigations_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_You're the kind of person that everyone adores_ **
> 
> **_And I'm not taking myself from that list_ **
> 
> **_Because no one like you does exist_ **
> 
> **_And you're washed on all of my shores_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_And as I lay out my heart_ **
> 
> **_Getting away is something I can't_ **
> 
> **_(It's not like I want)_ **
> 
> **_And we can do a restart._ **

 

John's expression didn't change when his eyes danced other the paper and Alex could feel something inside of him rising. This was not going well.

"So first of all, I like you a lot and I don't want this thing to ruin our friendship. But I consider myself as aromantic, so I can't reciprocate feelings of others and I don't know if I can ever be in a relationship, but your friendship is very important to me." As his words met silence, he attached quickly: "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." Hamilton was surprised how strong his voice sounded. "It's not your fault, not at all." And he felt set back in time again. They walked next to each other in silence. Alexander had a smile on his face and he actually felt that kind of cruel amusement inside of him, too. It would be too easy if something like this would just work out.

He couldn't help but ask himself why Laurens even agreed on a date in the first place then, something like this isn't coming overnight. Or is it? He was not sure anymore. The following question was: was this Laurens' way to elegantly dump him and get out of the situation? When Alex thought about all the flirting it was. But he would never say that out loud because he cared. Cared always. Cared too much. "I'm sorry," Laurens repeated and wanted to hand back the sheet. "Keep it," Alex replied with a smile. Sometimes it dropped and he had to remind himself to set it up again.

His mind was quiet and it concerned him. _Not okay.  
_

He looked through his pockets and pulled his phone out, aiming straight for the chat with Eliza.

**[To: Eliiiiiiza]**

_Eliza?_

_Went_

_Bad_

_Like very bad_

_Can you talk?_

She wasn't there. Laurens was getting a call short time after it. He took it and when he hung up again he said something about another street and his parents but Alex couldn't bring himself up to care. "You want to come with me or...?" Again he didn't say what he thought because he would hurt him so much. "No, I'm walking this way.", Alex replied and Laurens gave him a half-hearted smile, then turned around and left.

Alexander checked his phone again, Eliza still wasn't there.

He wouldn't cry in public.

He wouldn't cry in public.

_He wouldn't cry in public._

_1\. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9._

He controlled his breathing while he walked down the street and then fell onto a bench.

 _Keep breathing_ , he reminded himself. After some time and some awkward glances from passersby* the got on his feet again and walked again.

There was a bus and he just got into it, because it was empty.

After three stops Eliza called and he was relieved as he took it.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"What happened?" Her voice sounded as pained as he felt. He told her the story in a quick form and she remained silent for a few seconds.

"That's shitty." Alexander felt the corner of his mouth twitching upwards.

"Yeah, it pretty much is."

"Just saying, if someone would've written me this poem I would've knelt before them and never let them go again."

"Good to know." A little bit more silence. But comfortable. He let Eliza's words wash over him and calm him down.

"Let's skype in the next days, okay? It'll be better and we'll meet soon, then I can cuddle you, too. Love you." "Love you, too. Bye," he replied softly, then she hung up.

He didn't break down. He was okay.

He made his way home safe, where Martha, food, and warmth awaited him.

When George came home and asked about his day he smiled and talked about the movie, about the shops, and simply stopped thinking about the other occurrences of the day. He spent the rest of the day with cookies in the living room and later, Thomas texted him to discuss over something that bothered him, way before the anxiety could crawl under his skin and he felt asleep over the debate eventually.

He didn't break down, he had made it. He was looking past tomorrow, forward, for the first time right now. And it will be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah. Feel free to leave your thoughts on it.


End file.
